we got results on monday and my numbers indicate pregnancy. i am beyond thrilled but it just feels so unreal right now. and of course i am feeling extremely cautious because i'm only five weeks along. i debated back and forth about posting on the blog so soon. the only reason i wouldn't is because it's so early and there's still a chance of miscarriage. but i decided that if i were to have a miscarriage i would probably be sharing that anyway.
so after 39 months {feels like decades} of trying, i'm finally pregnant. and it feels so incredibly weird and exciting to say that.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
10 March 2011
01 March 2011
where i'm at
hello. i'm here and doing rather well, thank you.
utah was good.
we had some really nice warm days and then a couple that were filled with snow.
i laid around a lot and E's family was/is so good to us.
we ate some fabulous food and had some wonderful company.
we saw and hung out with great friends.
drove to pleasant grove everyday.
dr. F retrieved 41 eggs.
started progesterone shots in my butt.
i was sick.
drank a ton of gatorade.
and therefore peed a lot.
got our embryo report everyday.
drove back to AZ on presidents day.
scheduled a day 5 transfer.
flew back to UT on thursday morning.
transferred two beautiful embryos.
flew back to AZ thursday night.
bed rest for 3 days
now i'm back at work.
i feel good physically.
emotionally is another story.
now we wait, wait, wait.
yesterday E planted an orange tree.
we also planted a garden with strawberries, carrots, lettuce and corn.
high for tomorrow 79.
utah was good.
we had some really nice warm days and then a couple that were filled with snow.
i laid around a lot and E's family was/is so good to us.
we ate some fabulous food and had some wonderful company.
we saw and hung out with great friends.
drove to pleasant grove everyday.
dr. F retrieved 41 eggs.
started progesterone shots in my butt.
i was sick.
drank a ton of gatorade.
and therefore peed a lot.
got our embryo report everyday.
drove back to AZ on presidents day.
scheduled a day 5 transfer.
flew back to UT on thursday morning.
transferred two beautiful embryos.
flew back to AZ thursday night.
bed rest for 3 days
now i'm back at work.
i feel good physically.
emotionally is another story.
now we wait, wait, wait.
yesterday E planted an orange tree.
we also planted a garden with strawberries, carrots, lettuce and corn.
high for tomorrow 79.
10 February 2011
thursday thoughts
there's nothing and then there's everything. do you know what i mean? i have nothing to blog about but there's definitely not nothing going on in this life of ours.
and lately i feel like all my posts are the same. nothing new or exciting to write. my feelings are the same. our infertility is the same. and that's what's on my mind so i post about it. but it's all just the same.
same is a funny word.
let me tell you something that is great. sharing your birthday with a niece or nephew {or in my case both}. this weekend we'll be celebrating my birthday in UT with E's family. my nephew's 8th birthday is the day after mine and i am excited to celebrate/share it with him. my niece is also turning one this weekend {we share the same birthday} and i wish she could celebrate in UT with us too.
so we're off to UT for about a week. it's hard to imagine being in cold weather. it has been so nice in AZ. i forget that in other locations is it snowy and cold.
it will be nice to see some old friends in UT that we haven't seen in a while. too bad it's not summer so we could play some home run derby.
normally i love a break from work. but in complete honesty... i am going to miss it. the women i work with are like family. they have become some of my greatest friends. i'm sure i am going to miss out on some funny stories!
turms out that giving yourself multiple daily shots in your stomach isnt so bad. who would've known. but i am kind of nervous about some of the other shots {read...bigger needles} that are coming up next week.
there is oposition in all things and it has confirmed to me that we are moving in the right direction. which means i can have peace with whatever happens at the end of this process.
and lately i feel like all my posts are the same. nothing new or exciting to write. my feelings are the same. our infertility is the same. and that's what's on my mind so i post about it. but it's all just the same.
same is a funny word.
let me tell you something that is great. sharing your birthday with a niece or nephew {or in my case both}. this weekend we'll be celebrating my birthday in UT with E's family. my nephew's 8th birthday is the day after mine and i am excited to celebrate/share it with him. my niece is also turning one this weekend {we share the same birthday} and i wish she could celebrate in UT with us too.
so we're off to UT for about a week. it's hard to imagine being in cold weather. it has been so nice in AZ. i forget that in other locations is it snowy and cold.
it will be nice to see some old friends in UT that we haven't seen in a while. too bad it's not summer so we could play some home run derby.
normally i love a break from work. but in complete honesty... i am going to miss it. the women i work with are like family. they have become some of my greatest friends. i'm sure i am going to miss out on some funny stories!
turms out that giving yourself multiple daily shots in your stomach isnt so bad. who would've known. but i am kind of nervous about some of the other shots {read...bigger needles} that are coming up next week.
there is oposition in all things and it has confirmed to me that we are moving in the right direction. which means i can have peace with whatever happens at the end of this process.
14 January 2011
and it begins
i go back and forth constantly, trying to decide if and what i want to share on this blog regarding our IVF. part of me wants to share everything because selfishly i want all your thoughts and prayers and how can i get that if your not aware of whats going on. but another part of me wants to hide everything and not tell a single soul and then 3 months down the line, shout with joy, it worked. but that's not realistic.
we're not in a typical situation. and i'm not going to have the typical "announce the pregnancy once you hit the 3 month mark". i also wont have the typical "my periods late, pee on a stick and it says pregnant" moment {but trust me if IVF does work there will be some peeing on sticks happening just so i can see that my pee can do it}. but these situations are just expectations that i've always had of things that would happen. just like the thought of getting pregnant naturally and instantaneously is an expectation. so i'm learning to let go of my expectations. but it is hard and sometimes makes me bitter {i'm trying to let go of my bitterness too}.
i don't know what i'll end up sharing or what i'll feel like once we actually start the process {i start medication on monday}. but will you think of me and pray for us. cause it'd be really great if we could have a baby.
e is biking to tucson this weekend {crazy, i know} and then i'll meet him down there for the long weekend. we'll probably do some hiking and camping {we're also bringing the dog}. it will be a fun adventure.
we're not in a typical situation. and i'm not going to have the typical "announce the pregnancy once you hit the 3 month mark". i also wont have the typical "my periods late, pee on a stick and it says pregnant" moment {but trust me if IVF does work there will be some peeing on sticks happening just so i can see that my pee can do it}. but these situations are just expectations that i've always had of things that would happen. just like the thought of getting pregnant naturally and instantaneously is an expectation. so i'm learning to let go of my expectations. but it is hard and sometimes makes me bitter {i'm trying to let go of my bitterness too}.
i don't know what i'll end up sharing or what i'll feel like once we actually start the process {i start medication on monday}. but will you think of me and pray for us. cause it'd be really great if we could have a baby.
e is biking to tucson this weekend {crazy, i know} and then i'll meet him down there for the long weekend. we'll probably do some hiking and camping {we're also bringing the dog}. it will be a fun adventure.
07 January 2011
i'm not even sure
where to begin... and i'm not really sure when this aversion to blogging crept in. recently, every time the thought pops up of posting, i cast it off quickly. i want to share my thoughts and whats going on, but i haven't felt like spending the time typing, editing my thoughts and composing a post. i'm hoping part of it is this dang cold i've had for over a week that has left me extremely lazy. maybe when it finally departs, i will be able to retrieve some of my motivation.
i also think part of it is that i have so much on my mind that it's overwhelming to think about processing those thoughts into a post. with all of our IVF talk, gathering info, appointments, decisions and preparation, there hasn't been much room for anything else. i feel like it takes ALL my energy, focus and brain power {rightly so because it's such a big deal} to sort through, figure out and make decisions about this process. and on top of that i am in a different spot emotionally than i normally am in.{but i'm hoping it's just a side affect of the birth control i'm taking right now, that i haven't taken in over 4 years}.
i am trying to have hope and i am excited for the potential but the doubt still creeps in. for the past four new years, as each new year begins i always think... this is the year. and as each year closes with it not being "the" year, i struggle. same thing happens with birthdays as they come and go. but hope is an interesting thing... it continues to surface even in the darkest days.
i also think part of it is that i have so much on my mind that it's overwhelming to think about processing those thoughts into a post. with all of our IVF talk, gathering info, appointments, decisions and preparation, there hasn't been much room for anything else. i feel like it takes ALL my energy, focus and brain power {rightly so because it's such a big deal} to sort through, figure out and make decisions about this process. and on top of that i am in a different spot emotionally than i normally am in.{but i'm hoping it's just a side affect of the birth control i'm taking right now, that i haven't taken in over 4 years}.
i am trying to have hope and i am excited for the potential but the doubt still creeps in. for the past four new years, as each new year begins i always think... this is the year. and as each year closes with it not being "the" year, i struggle. same thing happens with birthdays as they come and go. but hope is an interesting thing... it continues to surface even in the darkest days.
06 December 2010
the hard facts
we've made some progress on the baby front. we're pretty sure we figured out the reason behind E's low sperm count. the most likely reason is that it was a side affect from one of the hernia surgeries he had in 2000 or 2006.
it's nice to have a reason. it provides some sort of closure. an anwser to the unknown. now i don't have to constantly wonder how or why. i can move onto accepting it.
the hard part about having an answer is it eliminates a lot of hope. there's no more hope of the count improving. we've hoped and hoped for an improved count over the past couple years as we've tried various medications and treatments. but there's pretty much no way we can coneive naturally. and now it's time to move on... discard that hope and cling to our new hope of IVF.
i'm still coming to terms with the idea that E and I will never concieve a baby naturally. that's a hard fact to accept. the idea that E's sperm count will never increase and our fertility situation will never change. this is who we are and what our situation is... i need to accept it and learn to love it.
here's a positive... we never have to worry about any form of birth control.
another positive... E can start riding hard again, taking long hot showers and get in a hot tub if he feels like it.
i've always wanted a large family... like six or seven kids. and now i'm finally processing the thoughts that it probably wont be a possibility {unless someone wants to give us 40k-60k and a guarantee that IVF will work every single time}. which is ok, right. i mean, life isn't always about what we want. it's about love and growth and humility.
now i'm just hoping for three. three is a good number.
so we're moving forward with IVF in 2011. i'm very cautious with my feelings and emotions at this point. i'm not looking forward to all the shots or the spending of a lot of money. i am nervous and scared and i'm so afraid to hope for a positive outcome.
there are days when i'm ok with it all and there are definitely days when i am not ok with anything. why is it so hard to let go of what i want, what i envision, my desires, my will.
so i try to think of the positive... a baby. nothing else matters in the long run. or so i keep telling myself.
30 September 2010
thursday thoughts
the jasper house finally closed for good yesterday... it's so great. the flip was a success, although we both kind of miss that house, it was pretty perfect after we renovated it.
and... our offer was accepted on another house in gilbert {for us}. it's still in the beginning stages but hopefully everything will go through and close in about 2 weeks. this is it.
but you know what's missing? lots and lots of babies. i guess you can't have everything you want. i feel like i'm failing this test called infertility. i thought i was doing good and staying positive but now i'm just angry and upset. it's really the most frustrating thing i've ever experienced. hopefully this weekend will bring some peace to my tired and troubled soul.
09 September 2010
thursday thoughts
i'm working 7:30am - 7:30pm today. but it's ok, because i really like my job.
if everything goes as planned, escrow will close on the jasper house next week.
we've started looking at houses in gilbert and it's fun {that's where we want to move and it's closer to my new job}.
we've moved 5 times in our 6 years of marriage.
i'm still obsessed with yellow and blue {if you were wondering}.
E sold his harley.
we're trying something new with the infertility stuff. E gets to give himself shots 3 times a week... it's very exciting.
this weekend i am going to sew and pray for cooler weather.
some lyrics to one of my favorite songs: on my bones by kendall payne
What this love has brought me
What this love has taught me
Patience in battle, who's in the saddle
Joy and despair, that I really do care
Uncertain desire the risk in going higher
Oh this love has been hard on my bones
What this God has brought me
What this God has taught me
Passion and grace, how to stand in one's space
Laughing at lilies, what truly fulfills me
Death on a cross, it was I that was lost
Oh this God has been life to these bones
Oh this God has been life to my bones
if everything goes as planned, escrow will close on the jasper house next week.
we've started looking at houses in gilbert and it's fun {that's where we want to move and it's closer to my new job}.
we've moved 5 times in our 6 years of marriage.
i'm still obsessed with yellow and blue {if you were wondering}.
E sold his harley.
we're trying something new with the infertility stuff. E gets to give himself shots 3 times a week... it's very exciting.
this weekend i am going to sew and pray for cooler weather.
some lyrics to one of my favorite songs: on my bones by kendall payne
What this love has brought me
What this love has taught me
Patience in battle, who's in the saddle
Joy and despair, that I really do care
Uncertain desire the risk in going higher
Oh this love has been hard on my bones
What this God has brought me
What this God has taught me
Passion and grace, how to stand in one's space
Laughing at lilies, what truly fulfills me
Death on a cross, it was I that was lost
Oh this God has been life to these bones
Oh this God has been life to my bones
31 August 2010
one bad & one good
this morning i took a pregnancy test... it was negative.
there is pretty much no chance of us getting pregnant naturally. but somehow almost every month i still think i'm pregnant... which results in me taking a pregnancy test, which results in a big fat negative, which results in me having a really bad day because i'm so upset that 1) i was stupid enough to take the stupid pregnancy test and 2) i'm not pregnant.
i started my new job at chandler-gilbert community college yesterday and i am so happy with it. it was busy and exhausting but it was awesome. the office is fantastic and the people are fantastic. it reminds me of when i worked at U of R and that's good because that's what i've been searching for ever since we left CA. it's gonna be good and i need some good in my life right now.
there is pretty much no chance of us getting pregnant naturally. but somehow almost every month i still think i'm pregnant... which results in me taking a pregnancy test, which results in a big fat negative, which results in me having a really bad day because i'm so upset that 1) i was stupid enough to take the stupid pregnancy test and 2) i'm not pregnant.
i started my new job at chandler-gilbert community college yesterday and i am so happy with it. it was busy and exhausting but it was awesome. the office is fantastic and the people are fantastic. it reminds me of when i worked at U of R and that's good because that's what i've been searching for ever since we left CA. it's gonna be good and i need some good in my life right now.
17 August 2010
first things first
the jasper house is under contract and in escrow. we are so excited. like seriously, this is the best possible thing that could've happened for us. if everything goes accordingly, escrow will close september 17th.
i got a new job. we are so excited. like seriously, this is the best possible thing that could've happened for us. i start working in the student life department at chandler-gilbert community college on august 30th.
we got the signed contract on the house AND i got the job offer on the same day, within 30 minutes of each other. we were joking that i should've taken a pregnancy test and it probably would've been positive. no luck on that front yet.
i got a new job. we are so excited. like seriously, this is the best possible thing that could've happened for us. i start working in the student life department at chandler-gilbert community college on august 30th.
we got the signed contract on the house AND i got the job offer on the same day, within 30 minutes of each other. we were joking that i should've taken a pregnancy test and it probably would've been positive. no luck on that front yet.
02 June 2010
retail therapy
We went to the Urologist last week. We didn't receive the news I was hoping for. I cried. But no worries, there's always hope.
What do you think I should make out of this lovely fabric?
After the appointment I had some time before I needed to be back at work so I decided a little retail therapy would do the trick to cheer me up. So I went shopping at Target. Except it didn't work. I wasn't in the mood to look at anything, let alone try anything on. I looked at some shoes but that was about it. Then as I was walking out I spotted this liberty of london scarf in the clearance section. On sale for $8.
I'm not a scarf person and I am not going to use this as a scarf. The scarf is about 1.5 yards of fabric. So I'm debating about what to make with it. I keep thinking about making a skirt because it's a great way to showcase the fabric. Plus, I just found another great skirt tutorial that I want to try out. Or I could do a purse, which would be darling. I don't think I would use it in a quilt. Although it would make a really cute receiving blanket with some ivory minky on the other side.
The greatest thing about this find is that liberty of london fabric goes for like $24/yard. I think I got a steal of a deal. Nothing brightens a day like finding something you love on sale.
What do you think I should make out of this lovely fabric?
03 May 2010
positive vibration
i had a post planned for friday to conclude the infertility week but it was friday i couldn't form any coherent thoughts. plus, i didn't really know how to conclude the week. my thoughts are everywhere and nowhere at the same time. so i just wanted to leave you with some positive insights because last weeks posts were kind of heavy. which i guess is normal because infertility is a heavy topic.
for me the biggest positive through all this, is the time I have had with just E. It has been the best thing that's ever happened to me. there are no words to describe the relationship we have developed because of the vast amount of time we've been given to spend with just each other. i want children desperately but i feel so blessed for the opportunity to have E all to myself for so long. it’s a unique chance we've been given to grow and understand and love and cherish and learn and relax and enjoy and live and laugh and remember and create and so many more things. the opportunity to work on our relationship and build a firm foundation for our children/family, that we will need and rely on in the years ahead, is priceless. i know it will serve us well when we are in the thick of raising a family. i also know that i will always look back on our 6 {or more} years of "us" time as sacred and unique and special and amazing. but I also know that with children, other things will come that i will be equally grateful for and will help us to grow and learn and laugh and love even more.
another huge positive is the peace i'm gaining by allowing the lord's will to take hold of my life. my faith and hope in a loving heavenly father has never been stronger. my understanding of the plan of salvation has broadened. i have felt the overwhelming comfort that everything will turn out a-ok {it's just a matter of being patient enough to reach the a-ok part}.
there's a positive in everything. it's just a matter of finding it. i know that when i take the time to recognize the positives, life is so much better.
thank you for reading. i hope you learned a little bit more about infertility and a little bit more about us. i really enjoyed sharing some of my thoughts and feelings about it all.
for me the biggest positive through all this, is the time I have had with just E. It has been the best thing that's ever happened to me. there are no words to describe the relationship we have developed because of the vast amount of time we've been given to spend with just each other. i want children desperately but i feel so blessed for the opportunity to have E all to myself for so long. it’s a unique chance we've been given to grow and understand and love and cherish and learn and relax and enjoy and live and laugh and remember and create and so many more things. the opportunity to work on our relationship and build a firm foundation for our children/family, that we will need and rely on in the years ahead, is priceless. i know it will serve us well when we are in the thick of raising a family. i also know that i will always look back on our 6 {or more} years of "us" time as sacred and unique and special and amazing. but I also know that with children, other things will come that i will be equally grateful for and will help us to grow and learn and laugh and love even more.
another huge positive is the peace i'm gaining by allowing the lord's will to take hold of my life. my faith and hope in a loving heavenly father has never been stronger. my understanding of the plan of salvation has broadened. i have felt the overwhelming comfort that everything will turn out a-ok {it's just a matter of being patient enough to reach the a-ok part}.
there's a positive in everything. it's just a matter of finding it. i know that when i take the time to recognize the positives, life is so much better.
thank you for reading. i hope you learned a little bit more about infertility and a little bit more about us. i really enjoyed sharing some of my thoughts and feelings about it all.
29 April 2010
how i cope {which rhymes with hope}
coping is a process and it definitely takes time and patience. and sometimes you aren't always moving in a forward direction. a lot of the time it's like 2 steps forward, one step back. but i have found that certain things make it easier. i try to incorporate all these things in my life as much as possible.
taking
breaks from thinking about it, talking about it, working on it or obsessing about it.
accepting
accepting
my emotions and allowing myself time to work through the feelings of sadness, anger and frustration. and then finding a way to move beyond it, to a happy place.
sharing
my feelings by talking and blogging. also finding people that i can relate to and confide in.
creating
something i can be proud of. which for me is sewing. check out these 3 skirts i just made. this is a huge coping mechanism for me. sewing is such a great outlet and it helps me cope and channel my energy into something besides getting pregnant.
gaining
knowledge. i've learned a lot about infertility and my body through all of this. but it's not just about that, it's about gaining knowledge about everything. improving myself by learning and growing. it helps me become a more well rounded version of myself. which in turn will hopefully help me be the best most i can be when the time comes.
finding
joy, fulfillment and peace. finding out who i am, who i'm not and who i want to be. discovering new loves and new talents. finding other routes to bring happiness into our life.
laughing
it makes everything better. it's one of the best helpers and healers in my life.
28 April 2010
a side affect
one of the hardest things about infertility is the isolation you feel. and it's no ones fault, it just happens as a natural side affect of the disease. one contributing factor is that infertility is a personal and sensitive subject so people don't talk about it openly. which adds to the feeling of being alone.
when we were first discovering our problems, i had a hard time discussing it with anyone. i felt alone and frustrated. i was jealous of other who seemed to get pregnant instantly. and i didn't want to talk about any of it because it was so hard to accept what we were discovering. but i find that the longer we are in this and as i make peace with it, the more inclined i feel to share our story. and the more i share, the less alone i feel. the burden is lifted a little because others start to share it with you. they start to understand and with understanding comes acceptance.
another factor to the isolation is the difference you feel from others because you don't have children, i usually feel like an outsider. especially when almost everyone you know is a parent and has kids. where do you fit in? we're not in the "newlywed club" and we're not in the "parenthood club", we're in the "it's just us, no we don't have kids" club and this club is not very big {especially in the LDS world}.
i try not to let the infertility interfere with the friendships i have but sometimes it's hard. part of the problem is that i don't have much in common with women around me or with friends who have moved onto the next phase - mom life. i don't have children and i work full time. it is a very different life. and those that have children, that is their life and that's what they do and talk about. it is hard to develop a friendship with someone whose life is so different from yours. most of the time moms talk about their kids and being a mother, while all i can think about is how badly i want what they have. trust me, it is not healthy. i mean it's not totally unrealistic to have friendships with people that have kids {we have some and we love them} it's just difficult.
when we were first discovering our problems, i had a hard time discussing it with anyone. i felt alone and frustrated. i was jealous of other who seemed to get pregnant instantly. and i didn't want to talk about any of it because it was so hard to accept what we were discovering. but i find that the longer we are in this and as i make peace with it, the more inclined i feel to share our story. and the more i share, the less alone i feel. the burden is lifted a little because others start to share it with you. they start to understand and with understanding comes acceptance.
another factor to the isolation is the difference you feel from others because you don't have children, i usually feel like an outsider. especially when almost everyone you know is a parent and has kids. where do you fit in? we're not in the "newlywed club" and we're not in the "parenthood club", we're in the "it's just us, no we don't have kids" club and this club is not very big {especially in the LDS world}.
i try not to let the infertility interfere with the friendships i have but sometimes it's hard. part of the problem is that i don't have much in common with women around me or with friends who have moved onto the next phase - mom life. i don't have children and i work full time. it is a very different life. and those that have children, that is their life and that's what they do and talk about. it is hard to develop a friendship with someone whose life is so different from yours. most of the time moms talk about their kids and being a mother, while all i can think about is how badly i want what they have. trust me, it is not healthy. i mean it's not totally unrealistic to have friendships with people that have kids {we have some and we love them} it's just difficult.
i think we are drawn to those that are similar to us. and right now i find great satisfaction in friendships with other women who also struggle with infertility. when you make a connection with someone who understands the pain and frustration, it is priceless. it's easy to relate to them. they know what i feel like and i know what they feel like without having to explain a single thing. which is unbelievable comforting. it's an easier friendship to be a part of because i don't have to worry about coming home sad that i don't have children.
it's so easy to feel like you are the only person struggling with infertility. i know, i have felt it. but you're not alone! there are so many out there who are affected by this disease. i have found great comfort in deciding to be open about our infertility and it has given me much in return. by being more open i have lost some of the isolation and gained a lot of love.
yes, there are still days when i feel jealous and angry and days when i feel alone. there are days when i DO NOT want to talk about it. but there are also days with happiness and laughter and days when i don't feel alone at all. and there are definitely days when i am glad i have E all to myself {he is going to be one heck of a dad}.
it's so easy to feel like you are the only person struggling with infertility. i know, i have felt it. but you're not alone! there are so many out there who are affected by this disease. i have found great comfort in deciding to be open about our infertility and it has given me much in return. by being more open i have lost some of the isolation and gained a lot of love.
yes, there are still days when i feel jealous and angry and days when i feel alone. there are days when i DO NOT want to talk about it. but there are also days with happiness and laughter and days when i don't feel alone at all. and there are definitely days when i am glad i have E all to myself {he is going to be one heck of a dad}.
27 April 2010
we {a long wordy version of our journey}
E is totally supportive of me and I love it. But I also love that I can ask for his opinion and he gives it honestly. Because we are in this infertility together, I am having him preview my posts for his thoughts/advice/changes. So honestly, he's not a fan of the posts this week, but knows that I feel strongly about posting them, so he supports me. But after this week full of infertility I will refrain from posting about it so frequently. I'll most likely go back to my usual approach, random thoughts and feelings posted when they come upon me.
E and I met at BYU-Hawaii in June of 2003, just 2 weeks after I graduated from high school. We had 2 classes together and after our first date, spent almost every waking moment together. It was an amazing 2 months of laid back life in Laie, Hawaii. Then at the end of the summer I flew back to CA and E to UT. We dated long distance for 4 months but worked it out so that we ended up seeing each other every 3 or 4 weeks during those 4 months. I made my way to UT in December of 2003 and moved in with some a-mazing girls {Tracie and Courtney – I had some of the funniest and silliest times of my life with them. I will never forget how much they just loved me and accepted me}. E and I continued to date and were both enrolled in school full time. Then in February 2004, E proposed to me in Snow Canyon near St George, UT. It feels so long ago but was just a short {almost} 6 years back when we got sealed in the Salt Lake Temple in July 2004. E and I got married young. I was just a teenager, 19 years old and E wasn’t much older at 22.
Because we were so young when we wed, we decided to wait several years before we had babies. In the mean time we enjoyed life together. I got my associates degree in 2006 and E got his bachelors degree in 2007. Then three and a half years after we got married, in December of 2007 we decided to start trying for those babies. And try we did. I ignorantly assumed it would happen instantly. As if all you had to do was say, “I’m ready, give me that baby” and poof you would be pregnant. I hadn’t even considered any other scenario. I started buying pregnancy and baby books right away {and now 2 years later those books sit on the shelf and mock me every time I walk by}.
Then 6 months passed and I still wasn’t pregnant but instead got to “birth” a kidney stone. After the kidney stone in June 2008 I decided to go to the doctor about not being able to get pregnant. He turned me away and said he wouldn’t even consider anything related to infertility until we had tried to conceive for at least a year. So I went home and decided that instead of just waiting around for another 6 months, I needed to start learning more and reading everything I could find on the subject of ovulation, conceiving and fertility. I did some research and decided to read “Taking Charge of your Fertility”. It is a great book and while I was reading it, started to track my basal body temperature and body signs to determine when I ovulated. This whole process was very enlightening and I learned a lot. But I was very discouraged and still in denial that anything was actually wrong. I charted my ovulation for another 5 months and determined that I did ovulate {yeah} but sometimes it was a little later than the “average woman”. But that shouldn't stop me from getting pregnant and I still wasn't pregnant.
I went back to the doctor after 11 months of trying to conceive {5 months after previous visit} and showed him all my documentation from the previous 5 months. The doctor told us that normally at this point he would tell the couple to go home and try for another 3 months while charting and documenting everything. But because I had already done that he would start evaluating our situation right then. I was so happy that I followed the inspiration to start monitoring my body and keeping track of everything. The doc started me on clomid {because of my slightly late ovulation} and ordered a semen analysis for E.
An average man's semen analysis contains approximately 20 million sperm. E’s results showed about 1 million. Because of E's low count my doctor referred us to an urologist to evaluate E some more. By the time we got in to see the urologist I had finished my 3 months of clomid {which ended up being a little pointless because as spot on as my ovulation could be, we couldn't get pregnant without any sperm}. After our first visit with the urologist he ordered a semen analysis, blood panel and an ultrasound for E.
We got E’s test results back and the semen analysis was similar to the first one done and the ultra sound was clear. But this time because we had the blood work done, we found out that E’s FSH levels were low. The FSH is directly related to sperm production.
At this point it gets a little confusing because E's urologist got confused and referred us to a fertility clinic. So we made an appointment with one. Somehow the urologist thought E had already taken clomid. When in fact it was me that had taken the clomid {we didn't discover this confusion till later}. We should've stayed with the urologist longer and explored more options but ultimately it didn't really matter because we ended up moving 2 months later.
E had been accepted to ASU in April and we knew we would be moving to AZ around July. We had scheduled an appointment with a fertility clinic in CA the last week in June but we eventually decided to cancel the appointment because we were moving a week later. So that concluded our infertility journey in CA.
With moving to AZ and not having insurance everything got put on the back burner until October 2009 {almost 2 years since we started trying}. I finally got a job and with that came insurance. We found a fertility doctor in the area and we were so excited for things to start moving forward again. We met with the RE and gave him all our history and tests. Right before meeting with this doctor we discovered the confusion from the previous doctor and explained our concerns to our new RE. We thought we were supposed to be seeing a fertility doctor based on the urologist in CA, but our new docs analysis was that a urologist would still be the place to go because they specialize in male infertility and there were still some options for us to pursue with a urologist. He ordered more tests {semen analysis and blood panel} for E. Assuming the test results would come back the same as the previous, he said our best bet was to go ahead and meet with an urologist. So he referred us to "the best in the state" and we got an appointment for 3 months later.
We met with the urologist and yep he ordered another semen analysis and blood panel for E. He also reviewed all our previous results and came to the conclusion that because E's FSH was low, taking clomid should raise it and therefore sperm production should increase.
It takes at least 3 months for the clomid to positively affect the sperm production. E has been taking the clomid for almost 3 months now but we're still not pregnant. We go in again at the end of May to do more tests {semen analysis and blood work} and re evaluate our options.
that's where we are. that is our journey so far. it's good to have it all down. it helps me remember and remembering is important. typing it all out makes me realize a few things: we haven’t gone through nearly as much as some people have and it’s still the hardest and most trying thing i’ve ever experienced.
E and I met at BYU-Hawaii in June of 2003, just 2 weeks after I graduated from high school. We had 2 classes together and after our first date, spent almost every waking moment together. It was an amazing 2 months of laid back life in Laie, Hawaii. Then at the end of the summer I flew back to CA and E to UT. We dated long distance for 4 months but worked it out so that we ended up seeing each other every 3 or 4 weeks during those 4 months. I made my way to UT in December of 2003 and moved in with some a-mazing girls {Tracie and Courtney – I had some of the funniest and silliest times of my life with them. I will never forget how much they just loved me and accepted me}. E and I continued to date and were both enrolled in school full time. Then in February 2004, E proposed to me in Snow Canyon near St George, UT. It feels so long ago but was just a short {almost} 6 years back when we got sealed in the Salt Lake Temple in July 2004. E and I got married young. I was just a teenager, 19 years old and E wasn’t much older at 22.
Because we were so young when we wed, we decided to wait several years before we had babies. In the mean time we enjoyed life together. I got my associates degree in 2006 and E got his bachelors degree in 2007. Then three and a half years after we got married, in December of 2007 we decided to start trying for those babies. And try we did. I ignorantly assumed it would happen instantly. As if all you had to do was say, “I’m ready, give me that baby” and poof you would be pregnant. I hadn’t even considered any other scenario. I started buying pregnancy and baby books right away {and now 2 years later those books sit on the shelf and mock me every time I walk by}.
Then 6 months passed and I still wasn’t pregnant but instead got to “birth” a kidney stone. After the kidney stone in June 2008 I decided to go to the doctor about not being able to get pregnant. He turned me away and said he wouldn’t even consider anything related to infertility until we had tried to conceive for at least a year. So I went home and decided that instead of just waiting around for another 6 months, I needed to start learning more and reading everything I could find on the subject of ovulation, conceiving and fertility. I did some research and decided to read “Taking Charge of your Fertility”. It is a great book and while I was reading it, started to track my basal body temperature and body signs to determine when I ovulated. This whole process was very enlightening and I learned a lot. But I was very discouraged and still in denial that anything was actually wrong. I charted my ovulation for another 5 months and determined that I did ovulate {yeah} but sometimes it was a little later than the “average woman”. But that shouldn't stop me from getting pregnant and I still wasn't pregnant.
I went back to the doctor after 11 months of trying to conceive {5 months after previous visit} and showed him all my documentation from the previous 5 months. The doctor told us that normally at this point he would tell the couple to go home and try for another 3 months while charting and documenting everything. But because I had already done that he would start evaluating our situation right then. I was so happy that I followed the inspiration to start monitoring my body and keeping track of everything. The doc started me on clomid {because of my slightly late ovulation} and ordered a semen analysis for E.
An average man's semen analysis contains approximately 20 million sperm. E’s results showed about 1 million. Because of E's low count my doctor referred us to an urologist to evaluate E some more. By the time we got in to see the urologist I had finished my 3 months of clomid {which ended up being a little pointless because as spot on as my ovulation could be, we couldn't get pregnant without any sperm}. After our first visit with the urologist he ordered a semen analysis, blood panel and an ultrasound for E.
We got E’s test results back and the semen analysis was similar to the first one done and the ultra sound was clear. But this time because we had the blood work done, we found out that E’s FSH levels were low. The FSH is directly related to sperm production.
At this point it gets a little confusing because E's urologist got confused and referred us to a fertility clinic. So we made an appointment with one. Somehow the urologist thought E had already taken clomid. When in fact it was me that had taken the clomid {we didn't discover this confusion till later}. We should've stayed with the urologist longer and explored more options but ultimately it didn't really matter because we ended up moving 2 months later.
E had been accepted to ASU in April and we knew we would be moving to AZ around July. We had scheduled an appointment with a fertility clinic in CA the last week in June but we eventually decided to cancel the appointment because we were moving a week later. So that concluded our infertility journey in CA.
With moving to AZ and not having insurance everything got put on the back burner until October 2009 {almost 2 years since we started trying}. I finally got a job and with that came insurance. We found a fertility doctor in the area and we were so excited for things to start moving forward again. We met with the RE and gave him all our history and tests. Right before meeting with this doctor we discovered the confusion from the previous doctor and explained our concerns to our new RE. We thought we were supposed to be seeing a fertility doctor based on the urologist in CA, but our new docs analysis was that a urologist would still be the place to go because they specialize in male infertility and there were still some options for us to pursue with a urologist. He ordered more tests {semen analysis and blood panel} for E. Assuming the test results would come back the same as the previous, he said our best bet was to go ahead and meet with an urologist. So he referred us to "the best in the state" and we got an appointment for 3 months later.
We met with the urologist and yep he ordered another semen analysis and blood panel for E. He also reviewed all our previous results and came to the conclusion that because E's FSH was low, taking clomid should raise it and therefore sperm production should increase.
It takes at least 3 months for the clomid to positively affect the sperm production. E has been taking the clomid for almost 3 months now but we're still not pregnant. We go in again at the end of May to do more tests {semen analysis and blood work} and re evaluate our options.
that's where we are. that is our journey so far. it's good to have it all down. it helps me remember and remembering is important. typing it all out makes me realize a few things: we haven’t gone through nearly as much as some people have and it’s still the hardest and most trying thing i’ve ever experienced.
26 April 2010
NIAW
April 24 - May 1st is NIAW {National Infertility Awareness Week}. It is a movement sponsored by RESOLVE to raise awareness about the disease of infertility which affects 7.3 million Americans. Check it out and help yourself become more aware.
This week I am going to attempt to write about our infertility journey {so far} and the way it has affected us. I write mostly for myself because sharing these things helps me cope. But hopefully someone else will learn something or gain understanding about the disease of infertility.
If you are interested in learning more or understanding what infertility is, I encourage you to check out some of the following links
Infertility 101: Get the Facts
Resolve's Infertility Overview
Wikipedia page on Infertility
Mayo Clinic Infertility info
About.com Fertility Blog
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I've posted about our infertility before it's usually just my random and emotional thoughts on the subject {I can't guarantee that it wont continue to be that}. But I want to write about it more because it is such a big part of our lives. It consumes my thoughts and affects my actions every day. I usually do a good job of hiding my feelings but there’s no point in doing that. It is a part of us and I am not ashamed of it. Although most of the time I am.
My intent in writing about our infertility is not to gain sympathy or pity, please don't feel sorry for us {life is about being happy, so let's be happy}. It is solely to benefit myself by releasing my thoughts and feelings and hopefully along the way, I can inform others of everything I have learned. Please remember that these are just my personal thoughts about my experience. I don’t mean to offend anyone and I am not an expert in the area. There are many women who have gone through much more than I and I admire them {they are my heroes}.
This week I am going to attempt to write about our infertility journey {so far} and the way it has affected us. I write mostly for myself because sharing these things helps me cope. But hopefully someone else will learn something or gain understanding about the disease of infertility.
If you are interested in learning more or understanding what infertility is, I encourage you to check out some of the following links
Infertility 101: Get the Facts
Resolve's Infertility Overview
Wikipedia page on Infertility
Mayo Clinic Infertility info
About.com Fertility Blog
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I've posted about our infertility before it's usually just my random and emotional thoughts on the subject {I can't guarantee that it wont continue to be that}. But I want to write about it more because it is such a big part of our lives. It consumes my thoughts and affects my actions every day. I usually do a good job of hiding my feelings but there’s no point in doing that. It is a part of us and I am not ashamed of it. Although most of the time I am.
My intent in writing about our infertility is not to gain sympathy or pity, please don't feel sorry for us {life is about being happy, so let's be happy}. It is solely to benefit myself by releasing my thoughts and feelings and hopefully along the way, I can inform others of everything I have learned. Please remember that these are just my personal thoughts about my experience. I don’t mean to offend anyone and I am not an expert in the area. There are many women who have gone through much more than I and I admire them {they are my heroes}.
11 February 2010
infertile thoughts
please keep this in mind as you read my thoughts on this personal and sensitive subject: Infertility is a roller coaster of thoughts and emotions. I know how I should feel and I have so much to be grateful for, that I am grateful for. But it's a constant battle to keep the sad and negative thoughts away. But I am happy because of the knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father and a loving family.
I want more than anything to be pregnant and have children. My heart, body and mind ache for it. I have hope and know that someday we will have children. But it is hard to remember that as I go through the every day motions of life. All the while wishing I was gaining weight and feeling sick because it means being pregnant. Wishing I was a mother instead of sitting at a desk working. Wishing I was tired and didn't get enough sleep because of the baby. Wishing I had to stay home to finish laundry and cook dinner. Wishing I had someone needing me. Wishing I could experience the joy and frustration that I hear so many others talk about.
My mind keeps asking "why me?" and I tell it "be quiet, that question does no good." But I still catch my mind throwing it at me. I've been having a particularly hard week. For no reason other than I can't stop thinking about it all and feeling sorry for myself. It's constantly on my mind and it wears me down.
For some reason birthdays just make it harder. Each birthday I think, well here I am another year older and no baby, not even pregnant. I'll be 25. A good age, I'm still so young. But what's funny is that all my friends, everyone I grew up with, lots of people my age already have a kid and sometimes two. That's another thing to tackle, learn not to compare myself to others. But I have just started to realize and learn that I need to find happiness in my life now, even in the hard times. I need to be ok and content with who I am and where my life is right now.
I keep telling myself - do something you've always wanted to do while you have the time to. I think a lot about going back to school, traveling, sewing, reading, photography, playing music, writing lyrics. These are all things I love to do. I should be grateful that I have the time to do them. But it's hard to be grateful for time when all I want is not to have time. No one else has time because they're busy with their kids. Some days I just want to be like everyone else. There are very few people my age I can relate to, very few.
While searching for some words to calm my troubled mind and heart, I came across this Ensign article by President James E Faust called "Be Not Afraid". It was perfect, just what I needed to lift my spirit. Here are some quotes that touched me.
"Sometimes the Lord allows us to have trials to shape us into productive servants. … His all-seeing eye is over us and ever watching us as our Eternal Heavenly Parent. When trials come, as surely they will to all of us during mortality, let us not sink into the abyss of self-pity but remember who is at the helm, that He is there to guide us through all the storms of life."
"I learned the lesson that life’s burdens don’t seem to be so great if we don’t allow ourselves to get paralyzed into a stupor of inactivity by our sorrow and pain. As children of our Heavenly Father, we should learn to be happy, to trust in Him, and to not be afraid."
"There are many things that we cannot change. We all have difficulties and disappointments. But often these turn out to be opportunities. The Lord can measure how strong we are by how we handle these difficulties in our lives. As the Lord said to the Prophet Joseph Smith, “Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good”
Am I learning to become a productive servant? Can I pull myself out of this abyss of self-pity? Am I leaning on Him, my guide through this storm? Can I move out of my paralysis and inactivity caused by my sorrow and pain? Am I learning to be happy and trust Him? I can not change my situation. But I can turn it into an opportunity. An opportunity to show my strength and become more like Him. All these things will give me experience and be for my good.
I love the power of words. How they can change everything.
I want more than anything to be pregnant and have children. My heart, body and mind ache for it. I have hope and know that someday we will have children. But it is hard to remember that as I go through the every day motions of life. All the while wishing I was gaining weight and feeling sick because it means being pregnant. Wishing I was a mother instead of sitting at a desk working. Wishing I was tired and didn't get enough sleep because of the baby. Wishing I had to stay home to finish laundry and cook dinner. Wishing I had someone needing me. Wishing I could experience the joy and frustration that I hear so many others talk about.
My mind keeps asking "why me?" and I tell it "be quiet, that question does no good." But I still catch my mind throwing it at me. I've been having a particularly hard week. For no reason other than I can't stop thinking about it all and feeling sorry for myself. It's constantly on my mind and it wears me down.
For some reason birthdays just make it harder. Each birthday I think, well here I am another year older and no baby, not even pregnant. I'll be 25. A good age, I'm still so young. But what's funny is that all my friends, everyone I grew up with, lots of people my age already have a kid and sometimes two. That's another thing to tackle, learn not to compare myself to others. But I have just started to realize and learn that I need to find happiness in my life now, even in the hard times. I need to be ok and content with who I am and where my life is right now.
I keep telling myself - do something you've always wanted to do while you have the time to. I think a lot about going back to school, traveling, sewing, reading, photography, playing music, writing lyrics. These are all things I love to do. I should be grateful that I have the time to do them. But it's hard to be grateful for time when all I want is not to have time. No one else has time because they're busy with their kids. Some days I just want to be like everyone else. There are very few people my age I can relate to, very few.
While searching for some words to calm my troubled mind and heart, I came across this Ensign article by President James E Faust called "Be Not Afraid". It was perfect, just what I needed to lift my spirit. Here are some quotes that touched me.
"Sometimes the Lord allows us to have trials to shape us into productive servants. … His all-seeing eye is over us and ever watching us as our Eternal Heavenly Parent. When trials come, as surely they will to all of us during mortality, let us not sink into the abyss of self-pity but remember who is at the helm, that He is there to guide us through all the storms of life."
"I learned the lesson that life’s burdens don’t seem to be so great if we don’t allow ourselves to get paralyzed into a stupor of inactivity by our sorrow and pain. As children of our Heavenly Father, we should learn to be happy, to trust in Him, and to not be afraid."
"There are many things that we cannot change. We all have difficulties and disappointments. But often these turn out to be opportunities. The Lord can measure how strong we are by how we handle these difficulties in our lives. As the Lord said to the Prophet Joseph Smith, “Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good”
Am I learning to become a productive servant? Can I pull myself out of this abyss of self-pity? Am I leaning on Him, my guide through this storm? Can I move out of my paralysis and inactivity caused by my sorrow and pain? Am I learning to be happy and trust Him? I can not change my situation. But I can turn it into an opportunity. An opportunity to show my strength and become more like Him. All these things will give me experience and be for my good.
I love the power of words. How they can change everything.
03 November 2009
stranger
I came upon a blog a while ago but I can't remember how I found it.
And now I follow it and read it but I don't know the woman who writes it.
I find that although I haven't been through nearly as much as her, I relate to her feelings very much. I find solace in them, knowing that someone else has similar thoughts and feelings. This post especially. At least I'm not alone in my roller coaster experience.
And now I follow it and read it but I don't know the woman who writes it.
I find that although I haven't been through nearly as much as her, I relate to her feelings very much. I find solace in them, knowing that someone else has similar thoughts and feelings. This post especially. At least I'm not alone in my roller coaster experience.
19 May 2009
me self
In the past as I’ve heard stories or talked to people that have struggled with getting pregnant, I always felt sympathetic and tried to understand the pain and sorrow that accompanies it. In the back of my mind I never thought we would struggle with it. I was wrong. But there’s a part of me that’s glad I'm wrong, because now I do understand. If we had never struggled with it, I never would have understood. What a great gift, to be able to really understand another human being and how they may feel.Each day I consciously make an effort to not let it bother me. But I have my moments when it gets to me. When that happens, the feelings flood my mind for several days. Then it passes and leaves me feeling empty inside. After those episodes, I work on not feeling bitter by trying to think of everything I’m blessed with. It usually works and then I'm happy again. On the occasions that it doesn’t work and the tears still come... {I PRAY} and that’s the only thing that brings me peace.
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